Despite all my struggles, I would continue to journal. At the very least, writing down my thoughts and struggles helped me feel better and at the other end of that spectrum, it has been interesting over the years to look back on what I was praying for.
My walk with the Lord has not been perfect. If you remember how I said the Lord didn't speak to me, that thought caused me to be thrown into years of the same season. The season I called...the desert.
The desert season has been my absolute worst time during my entire life of having faith in Christ. It was dry. It was arrid. It was itchy. I was not comfortable in my skin. I constantly felt drained. I was not a full vessel. Faith became a source of depression. I always felt like despite the fact that I was loved by God and was good enough for Him, I was not GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! That I was missing that key element that would push me out of the desert. My mission was not complete. How could it be? If it was then I would move on from this season, the angels would be allowed to come and minister to me. But no, instead I was stuck wandering the desert, grabbing onto whatever I could to help me survive the heat, the thirst, and my hunger for more.
Combine that with my tendency for distraction, and I was a mess. "Strong Christian" was how I came across to people but that, as you can see, is not how I saw things.
Part of a entry from December 26, 2009: "I truly do not fathom why I want to push you away and pull you closer at the same time."
That really sums up that whole "season" of my life.
Eventually, it ended. I cannot say how or why. I only have the memories of that time to fuel me from never going back there. Never living without God while living for Him. A contradicting thought in every sense of the word. But it has strengthened my faith and made me stronger than someone who never struggles. I'm a survivor.
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